Spring/Fall 2020

#TwitterJumper

By Justin Bryant

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCartlon 56m
How to kill yourself: a spectacle or quietly? Spectacle #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCartlon 56m
Tall building. Best way to do it. Laura you should have loved me. Not your fault though. Troy’s fault. Stole you from me. #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 56m
@Lauraspace you were my world, my love. You dumped me. You only care about yourself #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons Retweeted
Laura Spencer @Lauraspace 56m
2 bagels for breakfast. Coffeeshop out of cream cheese. Only Peanut Butter. #1stWorldProblems #Wastful #IKnow

Carlton Fitzsimmons Retweeted
Troy Davis @ManofTroy 55m
Laura, my new girl, brought me an extra bagel. Only Peanut butter, though. Sux. #OfficeCrush #TroyWinning

Carlton Fitzsimmons Retweeted
Troy Davis @ManofTroy 55m
‘nother day, ‘nother dolla. Make that chedda. Got get something nice for the new GF. Yaw know how it is. Good living on planet Troy.

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 48m
Fucking Troy. What did you see in that oaf, Laura? This is your fault now #FuckYouTroy #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 48m
I choose your building. You two need to see what you did to me. You need to see your consequences. #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 46m
I’m going to do this, promise you people. I’m going to end my life Laura #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons Retweeted
Laura Davis @Lauraspace 45m
Troy bought me a stuffed teddy!!!!! Cute AF!!!!! more to come, he says!!! #bestBF #blessed

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 43m
So, cold up here. Should have brought a windbreaker. See, I can still keep it light, Laura. Still funny. Still real. Always real. #TwitterJumper

Brooke @catprincess4 50m
#TwitterJumper is currently trending. Is dude 4 real? Deats? #WheresThePolice #isthisastunt

Brooke Retweeted
Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 49m
Saw I’m trending. At least I’ll have a crowd. I love you Laura. #FuckYouTroy #TwitterJumper #SaveCarlton

Brooke @catprincess4 49m
This dude is 4 real!!!!! Someone help him. #WheresThePolice #TwitterJumper

Brooke Retweeted
Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 49m
Strong wind almost blew me off the ledge. I need that jacket, LOL. This on my own terms. Laura I still care deeply for you. #TwitterJumper

Tony Yallo @tonyjyallo 45m
Yo this kid gonna kill hisself over a bitch do it kid let her know she made a mistake #TwitterJumper #FuckYouTroy

Carlton Fitzsimmons Retweeted
Troy Davis @ManofTroy 40m
First Valentines w Laura. Any suggestions? Thinking of a clichéd candlelit dinner. Hit your boy up

Cary Yoko @TigerJuice 38m
Hey man, don’t do this. Take it from UR pal Cary. No 1 person is worth UR life. Free seminar if U decide to live. Let’s get him help!! #SaveCarlton #TwitterJumper

Laura Spencer @Lauraspace 35m
So, I’m famous? Is this for real, Carlton? It’s over dude. #StopPretending #GetALife #TwitterJumper

Tony Yallo @tonyjyallo 28m
Still a thing? Haven’t heard from him for some minutes. #TwitterJumper

Brooke @catprincess4 28m
@tonyjyallo yes, he is still up there. Don’t jump, Carlton!!!! #TwitterJumper #Dontjumpcarlton

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 28m
@tonyjyallo @catprincess4 Yes & I still am going to jump. Laura broke my heart. Nothing can fix that #TwitterJumper

Brooke @catprincess4 28m
Stay in there Carlton! There are more women than Laura out there! #SaveCarlton #WheresThePolice #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 26m
Feeling the love guys, but too late. The police are down there. Still going to do it. No one for me but Laura. #TwitterJumper

Goth Taylor Swift @GothTaylorSwift 25m
Darkness envelops the soul. End your life, Carlton. Your pain will be gone and I will write a song about you. #TwitterJumper

PhillyFan69 @MetsSuck 25m
Jump already faggot #TwitterJumper

SDPolice @CityPoliceDepartment 25m
Attention Jumper: Do not jump. We are sending someone to talk to you #TwitterJumper

B.B. Dilley @BigBadDollar$ 25m
Fuck da Police. Jump, son. Jump. Fuck that bitch. She hassa know how she hurt you. End it 4Real, son. #ThugLife #TwitterJumper

Troy Davis @ManofTroy 19m
@theFitzCarlton don’t do this man! Look, I’m sorry we fell in love. You do not need to do this. Please. #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 18m
#FuckYouTroy #TwitterJumper

Tyler Feller @TFBaller 18m
THIS SHIT IS FAKE!! FAKE NEWS! THEY ARE FOOLING YOU ALL!! BAA!! SHEEP!! BAA!! #TwitterJumper

Brooke @catprincess4 18m
You have no place to talk, Troy. #FuckYouTroy #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theRitzCarlton 17m
You have the power to change this Laura. Dump Troy and I’ll step back inside. Simple. #FuckYouTroy #TwitterJumper

Kerri @KerriWithAnI 17m
Been following #TwitterJumper. Guy sounds like a real angel. Someone will love you Carlton. #TwitterJumper #FuckYouTroy

Tony Yallo @tonyjyallo 17m
#FuckYouTroy #TwitterJumper

Laura Spencer @Lauraspace 16m
Jump Carlton. See if I give a fuck. I dare you to jump #TwitterJumper

B.B. Dilley @BigBadDollar$ 16m
Aw yeah, #FuckYouTroy is trending now. Do it Carlton. #TwitterJumper

Goth Taylor Swift @GothTaylorSwift 16m
F*** You Troy is the name of my new single #FuckYouTroy #TwitterJumper

Troy Davis @ManofTroy 16m
@theFitzCarlton @Lauraspace You don’t need to do this man. Babe, I don’t think you should temp him. He’s unstable. We need to help him. #TwitterJumper

Laura Spencer @Lauraspace 16m
@ManofTroy He’s such a drama queen. He won’t do it. Don’t encourage him. #TwitterJumper

KTSD @KTSD 15m
Possible jumper at the Northern Bank Tower. We will keep you updated. Tune in at 6 for the full story. #TwitterJumper

SDPolice @CityPoliceDepartment 15m
@theFitzCarlton we are still sending up someone to talk to you. Do you have any demands? #TwitterJumper

Billy T @BillyTreats 15m
Dude, the twitter jumper is right outside my window!!! #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 15m
#FuckYouTroy #TwitterJumper

Bette Davis @NoEyes 14m
@BillyTreats OMG!! I can tots see the jumper from my building. #TwitterJumper

Troy Davis @ManofTroy 14m
Stop with the hate people! Don’t know the whole story! This isn’t how we resolve life’s troubles. Let’s talk it out Carlton. #TwitterJumper

Tyler Feller @TFBaller 14m
FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! THE GOVMENT CONTROLS YOU WITH THIS STUPID DRAMA #TwitterJumper

Laura Spencer @Lauraspace 13m
@ManofTroy He wont jump. This is just like Reno. #TwitterJumper

Bette Davis @NoEyes 12m
He’s still up there. I’m waving at him!!! He looks cold #TwitterJumper

Carlton Fitzsimmons @theFitzCarlton 10m
Appreciate the love everone, but I only want love from one person. This is the last tweet. I am doing it. Goodbye world, goodbye Laura #TwitterJumper #FuckYouTroy

Laura Spencer @Lauraspace 9m
The ambulances are below. Now I have this upon my head #WhyamIcursed #TwitterJumper

SDPolice @CityPoliceDepartment 9m
We have a situation at the corner of 9th and Broadway. Traffic has been rerouted to Main Street. #TwitterJumper

KTSD @KTSD 9m
Please notice the police bulletin. Traffic halted DT 9th & Broadway. Tune in @6 for the details. #TwitterJumper

KTSD Retweeted
SDPolice @CityPoliceDepartment 9m
We have a situation at the corner of 9th and Broadway. Traffic has been rerouted to Main Street. #TwitterJumper

Tyler Feller @TFBaller 8m
FAKE NEWS ALERT. POLICE WANT 2 MAKE LIFE HARDER. FUCK DA 5-O #TwitterJumper

Brooke @catprincess4 8m
@TFBaller a man’s dead. have some respect and get a life, asshole. #TwitterJumper

Goth Taylor Swift @GothTaylorSwift 7m
The dead do not care. The will never ever get back together because they are dead. #TwitterJumper

Cary Yoko @TigerJuice 6m
Wish someone could have helped this kid. He could’ve used my self-help seminar. No one is beyond reach #TwitterJumper

Tyler Feller @TFBaller 4m
FAKE NEWS #TwitterJumper

Billy T @BillyTreats 3m
@TFBaller Not fake. He jumped. These are real sirens #TwitterJumper

Brooke @catprincess4 8s
Is this still a thing? #TwitterJumper


Justin Bryant

Justin Bryant received his MFA in Creative Writing from San Jose State University in 2017 with a concentration in Fiction. He also holds a BA in Film Studies from Emory University. After graduate school, he returned home to Chico and currently runs the comedy theater, Chico Live Improv Comedy, where he performs and teaches improv and sketch comedy. He is currently working on a short story collection. This is his first publication.

Spring/Fall 2020